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網上最浪費時間的九大罪魁禍首
作者:不詳 來源:網上收集 更新日期:2011-6-9

  The Internet has changed the way that we all live our lives. It’s also invented a whole host of ways to suck all of your time away. Here are some of the best。

  There was a time when the only way to pass a rainy afternoon was talking to the people in your house and playing a few hands of Canasta. Then came TV and board games and calling your friends on the phone. Now we all just head to the nearest computer and get sucked into the swirling abyss of the Internet. Everyone wastes their time in a different way, but these are all very common, easy to come by, and deadly to personal productivity。

  Gawker認為以下9種方式最容易讓你在網上不知不覺度過人生,事后發現自己一無所獲。以下附帶有中國特色的解讀。

  The Wikipedia Hole 上維基百科

  Ever go look up something on Wikipedia, something totally innocuous like Elizabeth Taylor, and it kicks off an awful journey that leaves you bleary-eyed and blubbering three hours later? It’s so easy。

  From Elizabeth Taylor, you click on Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, then on Mississippi, then on 2000 U.S. Census, then on imputation, then on bootstrapping (statistics), and then on sample size and you wonder why it has nothing to do with fashion, so you search "sample size" and still no fashion, so you search Issey Miyake and then you start clicking from there, over and over and over again until you’re deep down in the middle of the hole, your mind steeped in trivia that you’re going to forget as soon as the laptop clicks shut. Welcome to Wonderland, Alice. It’s a hell of a place。

  坦白地說,維基與國內的一些搜索引擎相比,給我的感覺完全不一樣。維基百科很多優質條目的注解完整,圖文并茂,最重要的是每一個你可能起疑的點都有鏈接到新詞條,這就讓你每發現句子中不明白的地方,就跳到新的詞條去,最終忘記了自己是從哪里跳到當前的頁面。

  The Spree 看視頻

  The great thing about YouTube is that it has everything. The awful

  thing about YouTube is that it has everything. I mean, you go looking for Marisa Tomei’s Oscar acceptance speech and somehow you end up clicking on everyone of those "related video" links on the right until you’ve worked your way to the collected works of the fake Chloe Sevigny。

  With YouTube you never intend to spend that much time, but you end up "one more clip"-ing yourself to death. They’re only 3 minutes each, but those motherfuckers really add up. And you only realize that once you’ve watched 10 different divas sing "Ladies Who Lunch."

  YouTube(如果你能打開)和國內視頻網站的小小區別是,網友自拍的搞笑畫面,貓貓狗狗什么的,非常容易被頂上去,所以你就在那天真可愛的一段段視頻片段中把自己萌死。

  The Facebook Fugue 上人人網/Facebook

  Oh, Facebook, we couldn’t do anything without you. But I’m not talking about your normal visits during work hours when you’re looking at status updates, checking your messages, and clicking on links from your friends. No, there is a different, darker Facebook that comes out late at night, when you start searching for all of your ex-girlfriends and clicking to see if any of them have changed their last names recently. Maybe you message them, maybe you don’t, but then you start looking for that girl you had a crush on in college whose last name you can’t remember, but then you think you can find her through mutual friends。

  And after that, you start an activity I like to call "scramping," where you look through your hottest friend’s friends looking for attractive people to make you feel bad about yourself. This is the dark side of Facebook, and it will attack you and make you feel like a Saturday in a blanket on the couch with scattered tissues lying around your nearly lifeless body。

  我們在人人網上偷著菜,看著好友最近更新的日志,在光鮮的照片下留言,圍觀有意思的分享,一個下午就這么過去了。

  The Gilted Cage 逛淘寶/Etsy/eBay

  Oh, look, there’s a sale on Gilt Group. But there’s always a sale on Gilt Group. Oh, what about Etsy? There’s always something you need there, too. Don’t forget that shower curtain with the pink bunnies and deer on it that you saw at the store and wanted to buy but didn’t and now it’s discontinued and you just have to have it. It has to be out there somewhere! Then there are the countless eBay auctions you’re trying to win for toys that you threw out when you were 12 and you sure could use a new case for your iPhone. Shit, buy a new iPhone, because everything on the internet is for sale and everything for sale is on the internet. You just have to know where to find it。

  Cruising the web is like having a mall that never ends, where you just walk and walk and walk past Chess Kings and 5-7-9s for hours. It’s like the world’s largest rummage sale, but most of it is rubbish, but you know there is one great affordable

  gem tucked away under all the piles of crap and, as long as you remember the security code on the back of your credit card, you’re going to find your way there. Oh, yes you are. Yes. You. Are。

  這段中外區別也不大。值得注意的是國內大多商鋪都是一口價,國外則保留拍賣的傳統一直到今天,所以如果你看中一樣東西,光是跟蹤這樣東西的競價就夠你忙一陣子的了。

  The Date Machine 在線約會

  What is the "date machine?" Well, it’s your computer. More specifically, it’s all those sites that say they’re going to bring you love, dates, or just a roll in the hay. Whether it’s eHarmony, Match.com, OKCupid, Manhunt, Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder, or (shudder) Craigslist, the date machine is a major time waster. You have to come up with and perfectly hone your profile so it will give off flattering misconceptions about yourself. Then you have to start looking for mates and clicking on pictures and sending emails and responding and IMing。

  It’s even worse if you’re "looking for now" (as the homosexuals say) and are determined not to get off the machine until your getting off is totally determined. You think this is going to buy you freedom from lonely nights in front of the computer, but it only ensures that you’ll spend even more time with glow of the screen warming your sad Anistonian face。

  國內什么相親網站值得信賴?呃,我在想它們會不會比QQ視頻更靠譜。國外自然就是Match.com之類的啦。

  Living a Fantasy Life 沉浸式游戲

  While fantasy football might have little to do with the real world, it certainly takes real time to attend to your team. Not only do you have to watch all the games (and in fantasy baseball, this takes even more time), but then you have to trade your players, pay attention to who is on the DL (the disabled list, not who’s having sex with men on the sly), and how well everyone else in your league is doing。

  You have to analyze your stats and plan accordingly, spending large amounts of time on the painstaking

  details so that you can win a pot of cash and the admiration of your friends. You know if you spent half the time on fantasy football playing actually football you might lose a few pounds. Just a suggestion。

  國外的例子是足球經理類的游戲,我覺得國內用偷菜和搶車位來做比喻是最靠譜的。當然這是自娛自樂,如果算上朋友的話,三國殺也不錯。

  Self-Diagnosis 網上求醫

  If you ever have a cough, stomach ache, nausea, fatigue, or any other vague symptom do not, for the love of Christ, try to get on WebMD and figure out what the hell is wrong with you. You are always going to decide that you have either cancer or AIDS. That’s what it always boils down to. That rumbling in your gut or the strange sore spot on your elbow is either from cancer or AIDS. That’s what your meager medical knowledge will make you think. Either that or some other exotic illness that you don’t have because there is no way you have been exposed to Saharan parasites lately。

  There is probably nothing wrong with you, and if there is, WebMD is not a real doctor. He can’t write you prescriptions

  or make you better. So put down the computer, pick up your phone, and call an ActualMD and go get a real examination. And if it is cancer, well, we’re really sorry。

  別以為“把吃出來的病吃回去”這樣的只有中國人才會信。不止國內,國外各種各樣的醫療指南更是層出不窮。小編建議:老老實實去問你的醫生,否則你會自己嚇死自己。

  Getting the Message 獲取信息

  There are message boards for everything like general matters (Reddit) and hackers (4chan!) to chess enthusiasts and anime purists and the seven guys who are still into minimal drum and bass and jungle produced between 1997 and 2001. And it’s like everyone there just wants to shoot the shit and ask each other questions and have meaningless debates about superfluous things。

  But it’s more fun than making small talk with strangers or just shooting the shit around the bar, because everyone gets you, you know? And next thing you know, you’re a hundred threads down replying to some guy’s response about your comment that you made about a funny cat picture that someone uploaded. Oh, the internet, it introduces you to so many new people just like you—well, at least their avatars and handles. You wouldn’t want to spend five minutes with any of those folks in real life. Oh hell no!

  簡單的說就是門戶+cnBeta+微博。在我們百無聊賴想說話而又無法深刻系統理論之時,我們參與了微博這種說話平臺。微博如果僅當自娛自樂,亦不失為妙手偶得。

  Reading Blogs 閱讀博客

  Wow, you really got all the way down here to the end? What the hell are you doing reading this on the weekend. Go see your family or read a book or watch Pirates of the Caribbean 4D or something. There’s a whole world out there!

  如果你是Google Reader重度用戶,你一定明白我在說什么。


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